The Weekly Wrap-Up

| January 25, 2014




Words by Ryan Grice 

BIEBER in the Big House, Rabbits in Mandela’s Ears, Victims of ‘Revenge Porn’ Get Their Revenge & being health conscious backfires as thousands of people literally shit themselves.

Famed lesbian pop singer, Justin Bieber, was arrested in Miami this week for driving under the influence. His yellow Lamborghini was pulled over by police after he engaged in drag racing. He initially resisted arrest, cursing at police officers, and was found to have alcohol, marijuana and prescription medicine in his system. He spent only hours in the lockup before his bail of $2500 was paid by his manager. Shortly after leaving, he posted the above picture on his Instagram with the caption “What more can they?”. The image on the right is the late Michael Jackson having just pleaded not guilty to child molestation charges in 2004. We can only hope that the little c*nt was penetrated at least three times for every hour he spent on the inside.



The South African government were deeply offended when, pointed out by a local newspaper, they discovered that there was a rabbit in the ear of the Nelson Mandela statue that they had commissioned and paid eight million Rand for ($842,000ish AUD). The rabbit was apparently carved by the sculpture’s creators as a way of signing their work, as their boss had instructed that they were not allowed to do so. While the government raced to “restore the integrity of the sculpture as soon as possible” it seems they failed to acknowledge how the great Mandela himself would have felt.


German confectionary company, Haribo, have released their new sugarless gummy bears to a somewhat mixed reaction from consumers. The hilarious product reviews appeared on Amazon a few days after the product’s release and vividly detailed its laxative effects. The highlight came from user Christine Torok of Pennsylvania who stated: “What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. 100 per cent liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM,” with an aroma as if “1,000 rotten corpses vomited”.  On the packaging Haribo recommends you eat no more than 15 ursine gummies in a single sitting. Now we know why.



It seems the tool responsible for website is finally getting what he deserves. Hunter Moore, and his accomplice (lover?) Charles Evans, have been arrested by the FBI for conspiracy, aggravated identity theft and unauthorized access to a computer to obtain information, amongst other things. Hunter Moore became infamous in 2009 when he started a website that allowed users to post nude photos of ex-partners they felt wronged by. The man is no stranger to punishment having been previously investigated by the FBI, been the subject of several lawsuits and even stabbed by a woman who was featured on the site. If found guilty, the pair will spend over ten years in prison. Perhaps the incarcerated boyfriends of the violated girls can make some revenge porn of their own?




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Category: FEATURED, Serious Section, Uncategorized

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