I Fingered A Honeycomb Cheesecake: A Memoir Of How It’s Never Just The Tip

| December 20, 2014
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Source: Samara Nilsson

Words By Samara Nilsson

I JUST made the best ever honeycomb cheesecake I think I ever will in my life and for the last half an hour I have been snap chatting this fucking cake, like a horny teenager with a stiffy sending dick pics to his baes.

I wanted to post the cake in question to Facebook, but then I thought, no, this cake is too good to get lost in amongst peoples’ baby pictures with Santa, inspirational quotes and the dumb c***s that are still hanging onto how loose they got at Stereo.

So I wrote this article. Because long after I have eaten this cake, most likely intoxicated on the toilet, its memory will live on eternally, in the bowels of the internet.

Why? I hear you ask. Because now, as a consequence of achieving culinary excellence, I am rendered catatonic, not to the point of Britney shaving her head, but you know that laying on the floor pretending to be a carrot shit? Well, that is me right now. I am sitting on my floor contemplating my existence. All because I think this is the best thing I have and will ever conceive and birth from my kitchen.

I feel like a successful human being, or for those out there that dabble in a bit of sexism, or a bit of misogyny, more specifically woman. However, now I am concerned that I will not ever achieve anything as good as this cheesecake with my life. What am I supposed to do with my days now that I have successfully made this cheesecake and am well aware this is my culinary peak? And most importantly, what am I going to do when this cheesecake has been eaten?

Can I put this cake on my resume? Surely that is a job selection criterion to be marveled at by a potential employer. This cheesecake could be a turning point for me, alike Baby Doll’s dance in Sucker Punch, this cake could open a lot of doors for me, like “Oh Mr Boss Man, don’t mind my catalogue of trashy Get A Night Life photos where I am clearly having an internal battle as to whether I am dying, I can bang together a pretty sweet cheesecake”.

The fact that I have written an entire article about this cheesecake speaks volumes in itself.

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Source: Samara Nilsson

Oh and don’t get all excited thinking I actually made this recipe up myself, aww hell mother fucking no, I just googled and this was the first one to come up that didn’t require baking.*

Soz, but baking a cheesecake? You can shove that right up your clacker, ain’t nobody got time for baking the fucking things. I just want to whip that shit, bang it in the fringe and wait for the magic to happen.

Last time I made a cheesecake I had a crack at the Nutella variety. I might add that this cheesecake dwarfs in comparison to my latest creation, like, my honeycomb cheesecake is Beyonce and the Nutella one was Michelle Williams. Not going to lie, I gifted the cake to a friend of mine, got incredibly drunk at her birthday party, ended up at the Normanby (managed to stay stab and STD free – WIN!) and I later came home and ate that bad boy in my undies whilst ironically listening to Bon Iver’s Skinny Love (soz Birdy, I like the original better). What started out as me gingerly fingering a little of the cake ended in it being full on destroyed with two hands in a feeding frenzy Shark Week enthusiasts would be proud of. I guess it is true what they say; it’s never just the tip. I later felt so dirty about the whole experience that I Frank body scrubbed for about half an hour and a few Laxettes thinking it would even it out.

It did not.

I tell you what but, that “Where will you be when diarrhea strikes meme” had a whole new meaning to me.

So for now the cheesecake is in the top row of my fridge, unaware of its magnificence and blissfully ignorant to the fact that this coming Sunday it is going to be destroyed like a pretty boy in jail.

Cheesecake aside, I also wrote an article about magic mushies that I’m a bit apprehensive on publishing and contracted dengue fever today.
Today has been a weird sort of day.

Cake.

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Source: Samara Nilsson

*Lastly, if for whatever reason you have, maybe your cat died? You’re worried about ebola? Bae not texting back? Whatever reason you need to go on a spiritual cake journey, you can find the recipe here.

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Category: FEATURED, LIFESTYLE, Uncategorized

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