The Weekly Wrap-Up

| February 28, 2016

“Ted Cruz was the Zodiac Killer” shirt design by Rory Blank

Words by Ryan Grice

HAVE you missed completely useless and frequently sarcastic weekly news updates? Probably not, but we have. Guess who’s back, back again, The Wrap-Up’s back, tell some men…

This week:

Call Mark Ruffalo; we found the Zodiac, You no longer gotta fight for your right to… Fight, The truth is out there (Only on Fox), Nature’s latest Who Dunnit mystery (?), and Catspiracy.

Are you an ironic T-shirt kinda gal? Boy do we have a recommendation for you. Resident idiot (and Texas state senator) Ted Cruz is rightfully the butt of yet another joke this week as activist Tim Faust (and thousands of other people on Twitter) is claiming Ted Cruz is the Zodiac killer and has made T-shirts to aid his theory. The shirts are for sale online with all proceeds going to women in Texas who have been marginalised by Cruz and his targeted regulations for abortion providers. Faust has raised nearly $30,000.


Set to join a long-running international debate, India’s president Pranab Mukherjee has announced that his government will allow females to enter combat roles across all three branches of the country’s military in the near future. Women currently only make up approximately 2.5% of personnel in administration and medical roles, but with the new induction the rate will likely rise significantly as India joins Australia, Canada, USA, UK, and many other nations now rightly giving women combat opportunities.

Images: Fox

Over the last four weeks fans have been able to once again rejoice in putting on their foil hats, taking off their pants, and watching Dana Scully and Hank Moody chase extra terrestrials. But like a fine wine, have they gotten better with age? The first episode of the new season had viewers in the eight figure category, but the ratings on Metaritic and Rotten Tomatoes continue to hang somewhere in the 50s. Gillian Anderson teased diehards with a quote in Rolling Stone hinting at another return, “Maybe the success we had with the six episodes is enough for extraordinary circumstances to present themselves. You never know.”


Like a real life game of Cluedo, state and federal wildlife officers are on the hunt for the potential culprit behind the mysterious death of 13 bald eagles found on the eastern shores of the state of Maryland last weekend. The birds have been known to meet accidental deaths before by feeding on the carcasses of animals poisoned by farmers, but never on this scale. A collective reward of up to $25,000 is being offered by various animal protection agencies for any information leading to an outcome. Who killed The Great Eagles? (It was Saruman in Isengard with the staff)


A comical story of an elderly man with Capgras syndrome (a mental disorder in which the subject believes one of their loved ones has been replaced with a clone) is potentially being used as a cover for the real life existence of robot spy cats. There have been many claims that cats are actually hyper-intelligent beings, but perhaps never before has it been suggested that they are working for the FBI (the CIA’s feline spy project non inclusive. Seriously, Google it). It turns out that the man’s case has actually been helpful in allowing doctors to potentially link new memory failure elements to the disorder. With cats now creating anti-smoking campaigns and continuing to generally dominating the Internet, we’re not sold on the doctor’s certainty.


Pop culture reference counter:  8   (Wow)

(We’ll try to crack double digits next week)

Tune in again to find out about things we don’t even know yet!

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Category: FEATURED, Serious Section, Uncategorized

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