The Weekly Wrap-Up

| March 6, 2016

Image: Will Crampton, University of Florida(via national

Words by Ryan Grice

THE Fish Guy, Nuclear Faeces, The Great Pizza Debate, Fourth Time’s the Charm, and FFS Australia…

It’s fairly common to consider the idea of doing a PhD to be absolutely bat-shit crazy, i.e. who really wants to know why the 5 inch cliff swallows of North America entomb themselves in their own excrement? Or Which electric fish are deceitful and which aren’t? Biological science professor Philip Stoddard of the University of Miami, Florida is interested in informing you of exactly that. Stoddard surprisingly found that when starving feathertail knife fish (a fish known for emitting weak electrical pulses to communicate and map their environment) the emaciated fish tended to dishonestly exaggerate their size by creating a significantly larger pulse to attract a mate and enhance their survival. Top notch discovery, old boy. And yes, excretory ecology is a thing.

Image: FOX

*Satire level: High

Technological advances in the field of nuclear energy have come a long way in the near century since its creation(cough, Fukushima), but there are some pitfalls of progress that are just purely unavoidable; like birds shitting on your external transmission lines causing a temporary shutdown. This December 2015 occurrence was the latest in a string of bad luck for the Indian Point power plant of New York City which included a fire, a power failure, and a radioactive water leak. “Squirrels are the biggest offenders,” said a spokesperson for the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.

*Satire level: CATASTROPHIC


In competition for a highly regarded space on this year’s UNESCO Intangible Cultural Heritage of Humanity list is Italy, weighing in with their unique Neapolitan-style pizza. The proposal became a reality after an international petition received over 850,000 signatures and now a dossier pledging the case will be submitted to the UNESCO commission, to be decided in Paris in 2017. The Association of the Real Neapolitan Pizza, and many Italians the world over, wish to have their style formally distinguished from competitors such as the New York-style. If successful it will be among the ranks of other international treasures such as the Portuguese Cowbell and the Slovakian bagpipes.

*Satire level: Moderate



Media mogul and human Sharpei Rupert Murdoch tied the knot this week in a quiet ceremony in London. Let’s hope the 84 year-old’s fourth shot at taming the hell-hound that is human monogamy fares better that the previous ones. He and former model Jerry Hall met a year ago in Australia. In classic fourth estate style he tweeted: “No more tweets for ten days or ever! Feel like the luckiest AND happiest man in world.” It’s good to see that 60 years in the industry has worked wonders for his grammar.

Satire level: (I think you get it now)


The disgusting statistics of domestic violence in Australia are shameful enough, but a new international survey has set us back even further by now being listed as one of the top three countries in the world in which women feel the need to avoid others for fear of having to explain that they are on their period. The survey was published by American reproductive health company Clue, in conjunction with the International Women’s Health Coalition. SHOCKING UPDATE TO IGNORANT MEN: menstruation has been occurring for millions of years. Get over it. *Satire level: Sub zero. This shit is real. #maketamponsfree

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SHAM WOW. (Just kidding, that guy should be in jail)

*In case you’re struggling

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Category: FEATURED, Serious Section, Uncategorized

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