The Weekly Wrap-Up

| March 13, 2016


Words by Ryan Grice

FORD’s Mobile Cinema, IKEANYE, Obama’s Final Fuck You (?), Commie Dolphins, and Robots or Assholes? 

Are you worried that you haven’t been watching enough television? Fear not, Ford’s got your back with the latest patent for their driver-less car: It’s a full home theatre system… INSIDE YOUR RIDE. According to the car manufacturer’s plans, a screen rolls down covering the windshield, and a projector between the headrests, and the car’s banging sound system, does the rest. Netflix and chill in my Explorer?


Musical visionary Kanye West may not be releasing his albums on CD anymore, but it seems his creative genius may be at work on a different project as he was spotted with a new collaborator this week: IKEA. The furniture company confirmed that “West’ would be visiting their headquarters in the south of Sweden and spokesperson Jakob Holmstrom stressed to the press that his tour would include their design division. HINT HINT.


We are honoured to announce that Vladimir Putin read the Wrap-Up last week as this is surely the only way he could have come up with the Russian Navy’s new plan to recruit dolphins. According to a formal request by the Defense Ministry, accidentally(?) posted on the state-run TASS news site, five dolphins with perfect teeth were required, and a deal was being made with a broker for US$24,000, thought the document did not specify the desired purpose of the creatures. Clearly Blackfish was not released in Russia.


US president Barack Obama is entering his final year guns blazing and this week’s target is global warming. To show the world, and those pesky republicans, that he means business, the American leader has paid the first $500m instalment of the $3bn pledge to the United Nations-backed Green Climate Fund. The GCF (don’t fuck up that acronym at a party), based in South Korea, helps ensure developing nations do not create a large environmental footprint and aids in countering climate change. Whether or not “Obama’ will have the chance to implement all that he put forward at the Paris climate discussions in 2015 remains to be seen, but we can only hope that his meetings with ridiculously handsome Canadian president Justin Trudeau will help.


ALDI has been around for 70 years and is one of the largest privately owned companies in the world, but anyone who has ever shopped at the German supermarkt knows that checkout time is a unique experience. Having come under fire for this very reason numerous times, the company has spoken out in defense of their practices.

“Aldi’s checkouts operate with industry-leading efficiency. Feedback has told us that our shoppers prefer face-to-face interactions at registers and checkout wait times are an important part of their in-store experience. We have no plans to implement self-service checkouts at any of our stores,” the spokesperson said.

If you perform a task that an employee would usually be paid to do, for example scanning and bagging your own groceries at Coles or Woolworths, have you effectively become an unpaid employee of the company? There’s nothing quite like that human connection that one makes with their customer service representative at the checkout. Plus, Jesus shops at ALDI.

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Category: FEATURED, Serious Section, Uncategorized

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