The Weekly Wrap-Up

| March 28, 2016


Words by Ryan Grice

NEW York’s Newsest Ninja Assassin Girl, How Far Would You Go For A Nice Pear?, The Internet Is A Loaded Gun, and Democratic Catch Up. 

You may have heard of the free-form rock climbing discipline of bouldering before (perhaps due to its awkward denial by the IOC to become an Olympic sport), but what you likely haven’t heard about is Ashima Shiraishi. Named by Time magazine as one of the most influential teens of 2015 (alongside Olivia Hallisey who invented a new way to test for ebola, and Bindi Irwin who was on Dancing with the Stars), the 14 year-old boulderer has become the first female, and youngest person, to ever complete a V15 level boulder problem, currently the highest level in the sport. Her efforts have been met with myriad praise from a variety of climbing elite and one can only assume that she is being coveted by the CIA, the Yakuza, and Disney, and will receive a mysterious offer when she comes of age. If she hasn’t already…


Victorian coppers are hunting a thief who stole 5 tonnes of pears (worth a total of $1500) without being detected, from a farm in the suburb of Gorae. A popo spokesperson said the thief’s motives were unknown and felt the need to use the pun “Pearfessionals”. Even more surprising is the fact that the crime is apparently the latest in a series of robberies of farm property across the Victorian Southwest including 140 sheep, worth $30,000, stolen in February. The shear audacity of some people.


RSS Boaty McBoatFace. This could very well be the official name of the British Natural Environment Research Council’s new polar expedition vessel after an online competition to name the ship caught the attention of humanity this week. The name, apparently suggested by former BBC radio presenter James Hand, is in the lead by several thousand votes (and actually caused the naming website to crash due to unexpected traffic), ahead of other suggestions such as RSS David Attenborough and RSS Usain Boat. NERC are thrilled by the attention their £200m project is receiving: “We wanted people to talk about our ship and get involved. We are delighted,” said Julia Maddock, NERC’s associate director of communications and engagement.

The handsome gentleman in the glasses over Martin’s left shoulder || Image:

A question that any who care about the US election may be asking themselves is Can Bernie still win? The short answer is yes, but let’s take a closer look at the two democratic candidates in the form of their current standings, and some notable points. As it stands Hillary is in the lead with 1712 delegates pledged, Bernie is not far behind at 1004; 2383 are needed for a nomination, with 2049 yet to be cast. Hillary has been hot and heavy on the pop culture bandwagon having recently cameoed in an episode of (the greatest show on planet earth) Broad City encouraging Abbi and Ilana to drum up some social media excitement. But the big mystery looming over her candidacy, whether or not she will be indicted for potential misuse of national security information on a private email server, still hangs in the balance.

This aside, Sanders has landed solid victories in all three recent caucuses: Washington, Alaska, and Hawaii, but will still need approximately 67% of remaining votes, factoring in super delegates (who comes up with this shit?). Bernie’s trump card however, being his unique stance among all presidential candidates on the legalisation of marijuana and instigation of Medicare for All, is something that so far seems to have been largely ignored by mass media and could be an invaluable tool in securing the nomination. The peacocking cock fight that is the United States’ presidential election process may turn many off, but the future of the world’s most powerful nation will have a great impact on the rest of the world, no matter the result.

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Category: FEATURED, Serious Section, Uncategorized

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