The Weekly Wrap-Up

| May 22, 2016


Words by Ryan Grice

AMERICA-TALK, no more Filet-O-Fish for NZ, Aussies need alco-gates, and migrating man-eating crocodiles are upon us…

2016 is a progressive time to be alive and it seems only right to be taking such radical steps forward as legally removing offensive racial terms such as ‘Negro’ and ‘Oriental’ from government vernacular. President Obama signed off on bill HR 4238 put forward by democratic house representative from New York, Grace Meng, which saw its final level of approval this week. The movement easily passed through the House and Senate and will stop the above terms, which were apparently added in the 1970s (*COUGH* try 1770s), from  being used in federal law. Why this was not done sooner is a question for George W. Bush. And Bill Clinton. And George H.W. Bush. And Ronald Regan etcetera.


As if things weren’t already hard enough for the fast food conglomerate, campaigners are calling for McDonald’s to stop selling fish products in New Zealand after a leaked government document showed evidence that a variety of unethical and illegal practices are occurring, predominantly with fish that McDonald’s purchases large quantities of. The government memo shows evidence that they had knowledge of fabricated data and illegal activities such as the dumping of significant quantities of undesired fish. There is a fear that to expose the level of illegal activity and false reporting that takes place would cause serious damage to the country’s fishing industry and economy, and direct quotes from the leak confirm this: “A worst case scenario could see a large international company eg. McDonald’s, refusing to buy our non-green image fish.”

If you’re gonna spew, spew into this || Image:

Alcoholism is so prevalent in Australia that the Victorian Transport Action Commission are planning to install ‘Alco-Gates’, a boom-gate lock-in/out system with a breathalyser attached, at various venues and checkpoints throughout the state. Following in the footsteps of Sweden, who created the Alco-Gate concept last year to great success, the TAC would like to start initiating the manned(job creating?) gates as soon as they work out the logistics. Sweden’s Alco-Gates, along with their 0.02% blood alcohol level limit, have lowered their annual road fatality rate to 27 deaths/million inhabitants against the European average of 51/million. Australia is roughly 50/million.


Science is fun, right? Yes, except when it can’t explain why several six meter man-eating Nile crocodiles from Africa have rocked up in the swamps of Florida. Unlike most alligators, this particular species actively preys on humans and are responsible for over 200 recorded deaths a year on their home continent. Experts have weighed in and agree that it is near impossible that the beasts could swim all the way from Africa, and that if someone has illegally brought them into the country and freed them, the likelihood of breeding and subsequent domination of the local ecosystem is high, just as the foreign Burmese python has done over the last 20+ years. Perhaps it’s a new form of reptilian terrorism? You heard it here first.

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Category: FEATURED, Serious Section, Uncategorized

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