The Weekly Wrap-Up

| May 4, 2013

Words by Kristoffer Reynoso, because John Warwick was probably polishing his framed photo of Zayn Malik.  

Dutch Queen abdicates, Celebrity Splash flops, and two other things

Devotee Rapped Danny’s Dick

American rapper Danny Brown angered fans when he (allegedly) received fellatio from an overly enthusiastic audience member during one of his Minneapolis concerts. The female fan orally pleasured the Detroit-bred singer midway through a performance, and probably crossed something like ‘suck off black rapper on stage’ off her bucket list thereafter. A witness testified on Reddit, “I was right behind the girl and saw everything… He rapped the entire time too.”

Fellow vocal artist Kendrick Lamar tweeted Brown, asking him, “u really got the head on stage stanny?” To which Brown replied, “Didn’t miss one bar brah brah.”

Looks like she gave a whole new meaning to ‘live feed’. Her parents would be proud.

New Monarch for Holland

The Netherlands reeked of Edam cheese, alcohol, and weed as Queen Beatrix (yes, that is her name) celebrated her abdication as the Kingdom’s sovereign to make way for her son, 46-year-old Willem-Alexander. WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE QUITTING THEIR HIGH PAYING JOBS?

The Dutch thanked their 75-year-old ex-Queen, who ruled for 33 years, and welcomed their new monarch and his Latin American wife, Queen Maxima, to great applause.

In January, Beatrix told her people she would abdicate the throne because it was time for the new generation to take the helm at embodying the national values of modernism, egalitarianism, and getting high.

King Willem-Alexander’s investiture ceremony was graced by international royals and diplomats, including Australian-born Princess Mary of Denmark, depression-deprived Princess Masako of Japan, and Britain’s Prince Charles came with that hideous wife of his who just can’t be Queen of England. RIP Diana.

Belly-flop ratings

The amount of puns, innuendos, and play-on-words I was going to use for this segment to describe the low ratings for a show about diving were just embarrassing, so I’ll keep it to a minimum. But seriously, where did it all go wrong, Channel 7? After obtaining 3 million viewers for their grand finale in My Kitchen Rules (of which Queenslanders Dan and Steph were announced the winners) the television station offered Aussies with reality trash Celebrity Splash – a waste of time, money, and water.

Judging from the title (like I’d watch this shit), I think the premise of the show is how well ‘celebrities’ can plunge into an Olympic-sized diving pool. Anyway, Channel 9’s The Voice reached an audience of 2.02 million on the same night that Splash sprayed only 1.3 million screens. Drowning in shame?

Australia in 2 Minutes

Tourism Australia should seriously invest in YouTuber Neel Kolhatkar for his highly entertaining video named ‘Australia in 2 Minutes’. The viral video displays Kolhatkar capturing every capital city and regional town of this Great Southern Land in two minutes by using various vernacular, accents, and quintessential Aussie spirit. My favourite segment is when he does Logan at 1:01, brah.

Oh, just watch the damn thing. It is two minutes of pure, perfected bliss. 

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Category: FEATURED, Serious Section

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